I sat in a spacious living room munching on chips and salsa surrounded by twelve other lovely ladies doing the same. It was the sixth week of our women’s Bible study, and the conversation had turned refreshingly authentic, soul quenching even. It was so quenching, in fact, I started to let my guard down. I allowed myself to simply be one of the girls, for a little while. But an obscure passage from Leviticus came up in the reading. No one in the group understood it very well, least of all me. I mean I love to study scripture, but I have no seminary degree. I’m no expert on Hebrew or Greek or the cultural configurations of Levitical Law. Nevertheless, before I knew what was happening, every eye was on me. Each woman stopped her eating and began staring expectantly. Finally, one woman politely asked, “Can you explain the passage to us, Ginger, since you’re the pastor’s wife?”

As a ministry wife (or any woman in church leadership), perhaps you’ve experienced a moment like this too. Perhaps you’ve felt put on the spot, expected to have all the answers, exposed in some way, or judged. Maybe you’ve felt the pressure to be picture perfect and have it all together, to be that model wife or mother or grandmother for your church congregation. Maybe you’ve even caught yourself saying on occasion, “I’m not the typical pastor’s wife.” revealing those all-too-real expectations that stay lurking in the background. Honestly, books could be written (and have!) on the unique role we hold as pastor’s wives.

Still, what does God think? What expectations does He hold for us?

The truth might surprise you.

The Bible actually lists NO special expectations of a ministry wife beyond what is expected from any other faithful member within the body of Christ. In Ephesians 5-6, Paul offers believers some practical wisdom on marriage and parenting. In 1 Timothy 3, Paul shares practical guidance for those who serve as overseers and deacons. Nowhere in scripture, however, are pastor’s wives singled out and given special instructions to live. Instead, what the Bible does provide is nourishing real-life examples of women from all different backgrounds, ages, personalities, dispositions, strengths and weaknesses. These are the women through which any woman, including pastor’s wives, can glean wisdom. What a freeing reality!

God doesn’t expect perfection from you. Rarely does a Sunday go by when I don’t have at least one person come up to me and say, “I was watching your family during worship!” It’s usually paired with some kind of sweet statement: “Your family is such a great example for us!” or “You and your family look so happy sitting together on the front row!” I smile and graciously say thank you, but I have to admit I sometimes cower a little on the inside. As an introvert, I don’t always like being watched. I prefer to hide in the crowd. Plus, my family isn’t perfect. My kids aren’t always on their best behavior. We’re human, just like you and just like everybody else. Nevertheless, during these moments, I have a choice to make. I choose to refocus on what God expects not others. He doesn’t expect perfection. I also try to rest in the knowledge that He understands how I feel. He understands how you feel too.

God doesn’t want performance from you. As a pastor’s wife, others’ expectations often make me feel a dreaded need to perform. In these moments, I catch myself trying to stand a little taller. I’m more conscious of the words I say, how I move and what I do. While there is certainly great wisdom in choosing to live with discretion, to be guarded, and be cautious around others, we also have to remember God doesn’t have the same expectations other people do. He doesn’t expect us to perform. We can be real with Him. Raw and real. We can share with Him the deep things we carry in our hearts.  He won’t judge or misunderstand or gossip. We can also ask Him to cover us, to give us discernment, and to fill us with the courage to live out loud the grace-filled imperfect life He’s gifted us with. With His help, we can be ourselves even in the midst of the pressures to perform.

God doesn’t need unrealistic participation from you. When I was a child, my father was a bi-vocational pastor. (That’s right. I’m a pastor’s wife and a pastor’s kid too!) Due to the small size of the congregation, my mother played the piano. My sister and I sang special songs and joined in the choir, even though none of us had exceptional musical talent. But ministry back then often meant doing it all. Nowadays, however, technology and many new resources are available for churches. God doesn’t expect you to be pigeonholed into one form of spiritual service if it doesn’t suit you well. Rather, God expects pastor’s wives to do what any other church member should, to use their own unique talents and skills in a balanced (not excessive) way to serve the greater body of Christ. Ultimately, it’s God’s job to provide for His church. He will make a way for the things He wants to transpire.

So, the next time you find yourself thinking, “I’m not the typical pastor’s wife,” stop for a minute and consider what pressures that are under the surface of that statement. What expectations to you feel you aren’t meeting? Are they realistic? Do they align with what God expects? Then, remind yourself that God sees you. He knows you. He understands you. And you belong! You are meant to be in the role He has given you as a ministry wife. His expectations are simply that you receive His grace and then let it shine forth for others as you live your daily life. Let His expectations outweigh everything else.